im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
