the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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