She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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