i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
