Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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