Apparently you make a good broom.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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