If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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