did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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