So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
