I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
