Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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