theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
