my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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