What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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