You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
