Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
