I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
