yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
