i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
