Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
