Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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