I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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