omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
