I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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