i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
