Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
