$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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