shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
