Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
ttyl tear gas
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
