I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he puts the penis in happiness.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
