obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
