hotel room ftw
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
