No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
