His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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