My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
