i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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