I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We need to get me chipped asap
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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