I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
