Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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