Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
