Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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