I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
