Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
