i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
