I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so let's talk penis.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Randomize
