went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
