oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
