if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
