If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
