I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
