Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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